World Naked Bike Day Douchebag Case Studies

World Naked Bike Day is great! Here in Portland, 10,000 people ride naked through the streets to highlight the vulnerability of cyclists in an infrastructure built for automobiles, and to protest our society's dependence on cars. I'm on board.*

But WNBR's straightforward purpose goes limp when half of those 10,000 people are total bros who consider WNBR another excuse to get wasted in-between What the Fest or the Oregon Country Fair.

Let's investigate two of the most common douchebag personas I encountered on last night's ride:

#1: "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy

"LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy wants you to look at his dick. He might be completely up-front about his motives or he might be covert. Either way, you better believe "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy doesn't have any underwear on!

The particular "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy I rode next too for way too long last night painted a rainbow onto his stomach that led to his dick and yelled "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" Over and over. Never yelled anything else. He just rode dick-first straight at every group of spectators and yelled the same hilarious line: "TASTE THE RAINBOW!"

"LOOK AT MY DICK" Guys range in age from 18 to 80 and cross all socio-economic and racial barriers. 1 in every 4 men are a "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy, given the right circumstances. "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guys drive Dodge Vipers, Honda Civics, recumbent bicycles and everything in-between. LAMDG might be 100% down with the cause or 0%. Either way, he wants you to look at his dick.

#2: Yelling "TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES, PUSSY!" at Passersby Guy

The most important thing to know about Yelling "TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES, PUSSY!" at Passersby Guy is that he's drunk, uncomfortable and he doesn't do this often–SO YOU SHOULD TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES, PUSSY!!!!!!

Anyone who's ridden the WNBR understands the annoyance of riding butt-naked through a wall of fully-clothed gawkers, but that's no excuse to demand that spectators or participants take their clothes off. In fact, demanding that people take their clothes off goes 100% against the "as bare as you dare" tagline and really the entire spirit of the event. But had YTOYCP@PG read the the pdxwnbr.org FAQs and taken them to heart, he wouldn't have been riding drunk to begin with.

YTOYCP@PG is probably better known as Yelling "DRINK IT, PUSSY" Guy for most of the year. We've known him since high school. And once in awhile, when we're drunk enough and uncomfortable enough, we've been him too.

*Please take my negativity as a small drop in a bucket of positivity. As always, WNBR was incredible. Whether or not it's an effective protest, there's definitely something incredible about riding a bike naked with 10,000 other people. And surely the "douchebags"–and the spectators they yell at–are more likely to ride a bike the other 364 days of the year because of WNBR.